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A place to hide our incites, a magic sleeve of tricks
Last Friday sports blogging god Will "dont hate me because my hair is beautiful" Leitch on Deadspin was ushered into the high altitude media tent to interview Agent Zero .
We all know Will Leitch is a pro, spreading the thickest "Royal We" butter since Bishop STubbs wrote the best-selling Joe Namath mass-market paperback bio "Broadway and We" in 1902, so it wuz no suprize to us that Will didnt lob no Bobo Newsom softballs at Gil, and that before he feinted Will asked him the question thats been on everyones lips:
"Have you been to W? "
well let me say that IN offices at that minute all our attention on other things including breathing was suddenly like the bacon in the SIzzlean commercials, and with our focussed brains we levetated that old bacon away from our plates and said "move over bacon, make room for something meatier!(tm)" as we waited for our Hero Zero to answer:
My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, , those types of things. He tells me what's going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, "how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He's a jackass, huh?" Just to see what the response is.
It is true, we are CRUSHED to find out the Gilbert doesnt spend 3 hours a day on our site or even just now an then pop by to ask GarBot2000 for legal advice
BUT WE DID GET THE ULTIMATE SHOUTOUT ON THE RECORD!!!!
plus we are THRILLED to find out that Gilbert ARenas SENIOR IS checking our incites, loitering around like Llorenzo Williams, lurking about the site going deepcova brotha like Tubbs on the comments board. We have no idea who he is posting as, he could even be the secret alter ego of one our famous regulars:
Cheniers Ghost? David Vanterpool? Lynams Disease? Good God - Unsilent Majority?!?!?!?!?!
We love Gilbert Senior!!! In fact, maybe even Agent Zero is a little overexposed and SO we are now backing Pops, aka "Gil The Thrill" from here on out.
Its like Tortoise and The Hare story, Junior has burned bright like a meteor through the blogosphere but Senior is steady and focussed and maybe he is the real Chaturbate future?? Maybe its like DOnald and Keifer SUtherland. SUre Keifers got a hit show now but lets see in 10 years if anyone even remembers keifer or if they are like "You mean that albino dude in Powder?" while Donald is talk of the town and has Tinsley Mortimer's racy smells in his beard and has a hit show while the only hits Keifer's got are hits on youtube for the humiliating Dancing With The Stars audtion tape that shows him doing The SMurf in the parking lot behind The Apple Pan with SOuthern COmfort in his hand and his career down with his overalls around his ankles.
NOT really of course we will always love Gil Junior,
But for GILBERT SENIOR:
WE GIVE YOU AN OPEN INVITATION:
COme And Be an Intern!!!
Write for Us!!!
We have already ordered a new Colecovision keyboard for you, and well as xtra large flame-retardant intern robes, and a monthly RideOn pass! You can even play your ATlantic Starr records in the Mothering Hut!!
You will get more hits than your kid's upstart blog we promise. You can razz him hard about your Click Through Rates and internet celebrity friends!!!
Or if you cant blog for us then
WE WANT TO INTERVIEW YOU GILBERT ARENAS SENIOR!!!!
It will be most gripping talked -about celebrity interview since Morely Saffer asked MJ "what did you do with Ty Lues body"!!!
Lets do it by webcam the interview!
You wont belive the questions we will ask and we wont believe your aNSWERS!
eMAIL US gilbert arenas senior.
please we woulkd love to set it up and take you right to the top!!
This would normally be enough AGent Zero news for one day, but then Agent Steniz reports yesterday about Gilberts NBew Cartoon SHow "GAZO THE PRANKSTA".
SPorts Bog covering the wizards is like a real life Fantasy Island. Dan is Mr Rourke and he has Littles and if you can even dream it, they will deliver it to you. Gil has hired young writers from UCLA and USC and a Jr. Animnator from "Lilo and Stitch 2" and has made a cartoon about someone who get snubbed by the popular kidz and their leader is GAZO who carries out pranks and japes and has an imaginary freind sidekick called Agent ZIP.
SO with the outcasts and practical jokes it is no doubt this show is based on Gilberts own life and so it is curious to see there is an Imaginary friend sidekick.
Imaginary sidekicks are common tradition in Jasmin live cartoons. Like when Fred Flintsone had Kazoo the martian who no one else could see. And Big Bird had Snuffleupagus and Calvin had Hobbes.
But also imagi-amigos they are also very common for real boys growing up.
There are many reasonz people have imaginary friends.
Fred Flintstone's reason was likely from hallucinations caused by an advanced glioblastoma in his brain from phosphorous toxicity he got from eating nothing but Brontosaurus meat for 30 years. But for rest of us imaginary friends help us to overconme our "egocentric inadequacies". Thats what Jean Piaget says anyway. Jean Piaget was a development specialist and founder of The Wiggles.
They're trying out alternate viewpoints, probing causal sequences, revising interpretations of changing situations-honing the capacity to take others' perspectives, he speculates, a skill that gave our language-speaking species powers of narrative dialogue that proved highly adaptive.
Thats what a lady wrote about it in Slate website about how imaginary friends are good for you.
Now if you know Gilbert you know it is no surprise that he has had imaginary friends.
The only question is WHICH ONE of all his imaginary friends he would cast for GAZO???
Here are some of Gils Phantom friends he had to choose from:
There is "BUMPER"
who is a small yellow rabbit that looks just like Thumper from bambi but has the voice of Mabel King, Roger Thomas' Mama from the show "Whats Happening". "Bumper" helped gilbert as man dealing with growing up without his mother. Thumper had experience in adolescent counseling from the Bambi thing and Mabel Kings voice is warm and comforting like a big bosom.
There is "HIPPOLITO"
The 2-Headed Cuban Tortoise.
Hippolito would help Gilbert make decisions about right and wrong.
The two heads would argue with eachother for control of Gilberts young conscience. Hippolitos right head usual won. This is because the left head was always singing that damn Rick Springfeild song "Dont Talk To STrangers" over and over driving Gil nuts while the Right head of the tortoise was way more fun and mischevous and got into trouble and also taught Gilbert how to smoke.
There is "MR SIMs"
The imaginary litle man who lives in Gilberts cellphone.
Mr SIMs helps Gilbert feel comfortable in social situations. To talk to him Gilbert just has to call his own phone and leave himself messages : "Hi its me, Gilbert!"
There is "AWVEE STOREY"
AWVEE was the rascally imaginary lockeroom playmate Gilbert created to help him get through the anxieties of a new team and a new town!!
But GAZO'S sidekick AGENT ZIP is the best ever because of the revolutionary POUCH.
Its shows Agent Zeros amazing private imagination.
GAZO'S POUCH is truly original. Well sure "Gazos Pouch" it is one of the fundamental principles of Non-Euclidean Geometry, but in the make believe world GAZO'S POUCH adds a whole new dimension because within your hidden friend is another hidden space, a moist hidden private space that has bottomless storage to hide your trickster plans, and hijinks, and secrets and to hide your FEARS until you are ready to face them.
This isn't the first time we have talked about POUCHES and FEAR and MARSUPIALS here at W.
In fact many of you know we made a famous mixed media art piece that we sold to the Andrew Gaze Gallery Of Marsupial Art and we called it
Also, this isnt the First Time Gilbert's gaming ethics have been called into question:
-In July this year, Gilbert openly acknowledged playing NBA Live as himself, a widely frowned upon practice in the gaming community.
-In January 2007 Gilbert was accused of giving illegal kickbacks to amateur Livejasmin gamers. He denies the charges.
-In 2006, the captain of Gilbert's Pro HALO team, David "Walshy" Walsh tested positive for Lik-M-Aid. It was his first positive test and he was not suspended.
-In 2005 at the World Cyber Games (WCG) Grand Final in Singapore, someone placed a $1 Million dollar bet on the Ogre Twins from an offshore account. Who are the Ogre Twins? Key members of Gilbert's Final Boss HALO team. The Ogres brought home the gold, and the man who placed the bet, one Mr. "Angel Rarebits", took home a clean million dollars.
What do you get if you re-arrange the letters in
Thats right: "Gilbert Arenas"!!
-In 2003, Federal Agents conducted a raid on the Bay Area laboratories of thumb specialist Bart Kelly. The raid turned up vials of possum testosterone and a client list that included the name of Gilbert Arenas. Gilbert denied any knowledge of Mr Kelly or possums.
-In 2001, an unnamed source testified to gaming authorites that a Pitfall Explorers patch that Gilbert proudly wears on his vintage Intellivision High Scorers Club jacket, was in fact purchased from him by Mister Arenas at a recent gaming convention, and was not awarded by Intellivision for gaming merit.
-In 1998, Gilbert participated in a promotional Mario Kart tournie in Little Italy. Early into the competition, an N64 Game Shark was found in the public restroom, taped to the back of the toilet. Gilbert denied any knowledge of the Game Shark.
-In 1989, Gilbert, playing as the heavily favored "Mike Tyson", was knocked out in a shocking first round upset by his cousin Blue, playing as "Little Mac", in a game of "Mike Tsyons Punch Out!" for the Nintendo NES. The next day at school Gilbert was witnessed showing off some new comic books. Gilbert denies he threw the match.
-In 1984, Gilbert took advantage of an obscure glitch to score one million points on Activision KABOOM!
-In 1983, at an unsanctioned match in a Miami KAYBEE toy store, Gilbert upset local champion Michael Quint at Atari 2600 Defender(tm) when Mr Quint was forced to forfeit because of suspicious lint in his cartridge. When confronted by Jim Gray, Gilbert responded tersely: "I'm not here to talk about the past."
Did they live on nothing but out-of-town arena nachos for 7 months?
TIvan Carter and Michael Lee are tha best beat men in the association. Their Wizrads Insider gets so much insider details for the hardcore fans and they work so hard and dont get the respect they desevre at the Washington Post at all. Sure Woodward and Bernstine had skillz, they brought down Tricky Nixon and Watergate blew up and all but did Woodward and Bernstine score an explusive interview with Ernie Grunfelds 6th grade dance teacher?
Or have a 5 part metro featurette on what REALLY gets cleaned at the Charles Oakley Carwash (hint it rimes with Werbian Shores)?
Did they embed themselves on Christian Laettners North American Wiggles tour?
Did Woodward and Bernie get the KGB to declassify Olesky Pecherovs colonoscopy reuslts???
I dont think so!!!
Last week Mike Lee was talking about how there are no good nicknames left in the NBA.
"The best nicknames in the game today belong to Agent Zero (Gilbert Arenas), The Matrix (Shawn Marion). Boom Dizzle (Baron Davis) is picking up steam, but there isn't much else out there.."
Thanks for the sweet props Mike!!!
We are very proud to have made Agent Zero a household name!!!
And we have over the years invented many nicknames for DC Ballerz, and with the help of the powerful Agent Steinz some have stuck hard but others have slipped slowly from sight like bacon on a late august window pane!!
Start asking those questions
The vibe on the first floor was: crowded. Ike Austin and Jahidi White towered over a crowd at the buffet table. Alana Beard towered over a persistent Muggsey Bogues. As I drifted to the bar, Ludacris chatted with Chris Webber about the forward's abortive hip-hop career. "So, as a rapper, you took a timeouuuuut?" Luda cackled. C-Webb looked hurt. (Later I saw him trading twos with Nas for a brief while. "Truly, hip-hop is dead," Nas muttered as he strolled to the bathroom. "Cop the album.")
The bartender rebuffed my vodka-and-tonic order: "Naw, man. All we got tonight is Giltinis. Tequila, PowerAde and a splash of cranberry." I drank it down, swore, and got in line for the buffet.
Two hours and one plate of lukewarm sweet potatoes later, I drained another Giltini and headed up to the second floor, where the stage was set up. T.I. was being introduced by Diddy, our host for the evening. "Big up to Biggie Smalls," Diddy shouted into his mic, as the spotlight wandered off T.I. "Every beat I jack, I jack for you! R.I.P., playa!"
An audience of scantily clad women and tall men nodded appreciatively or continued their conversations. I think I saw Michelle Tafoya trying to get Bambale Osby's number. Rod Strickland worked game on some women toting trays of hors d'oeuvres in the back of the room. Christian Laettner was leaning close to the Reliable Source, trying to shove some pamphlets in her purse while his hands attempted to wander. Alex Ovechkin and his girl tried to dance a little.
Eventually T.I. managed to wrest the mic from Sean Combs. I had a third and fourth Giltini, served to me by (I think) LaBradford Smith. The synths of "What You Know" rolled mighty like a river across the room, with occasion-appropriate lyrics over top:
What you know about Gil
I know all about Gil
Gil, shrinking as much as a man of his size can, came onto the stage to accept the accolades.
CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES C'MO
As the song ended, a birthday cake began descending slowly from the ceiling, in the shape of a "0" and twenty feet in diameter. People ran to get out from underneath while men in Arenas masks and G-Wiz-style blue spandex swarmed the cake with spatulas, plates and napkins, cubing and serving it almost as it fell. A replica of the ring of advertising at the base of the Verizon Center's upper deck lit up with revolving chaos-theory paisley blobs, running at top speed around the room and chasing instructions to "Wish Gilbert a Happy Birthday."
Everyone who had been on the first floor had now crowded into the second. Strickland was forcing his way towards the cake, with Kevin Duckworth in tow. Agent Zero somehow emerged in the center of the cake and got a giant piece. He held it up for us to see. It was chocolate with chocolate frosting. After downing the whole thing in three giant mouthfuls, he threw the empty plate 35 feet towards the corner of the room, where it crashed into a trash can. "Swag!" Gil yelled, and the crowd exploded.
Diddy held up a finger that cued a massive organ note. The ring of advertising suddenly showed the lyrics to "Happy Birthday," and we all sang as best we could. "I though I told you that we don't stop!" Diddy proclaimed when we were done. "Unh. Unh. Bad Boy. Unh. Yeah. Come with me. You can hate Gil now, but Gil won't stop now. Me either. Unh." On stage, The Game tapped his foot impatiently.
The Gil-masked, spandexed waiters were remarkably efficient and somehow managed to get a piece of cake and a glass of champagne in everyone's hands. The cake was good. A little too good. Clinton Portis spent the next fifteen minutes going around to various thin women telling them there was no way they'd want to ruin their figures by eating cake like this, so give it to him.
I didn't react quite so positively, suddenly becoming very afraid of the ring of advertising, which now showed an animation of Gil riding Bambi through a forest. I sidled towards the nearest stairs I could find, using Peter John Ramos' dirigible-like head as a beacon. As I left, Gil was gathering plates from the guests and using them to make even more ludicrous shots into the trash can. Everything was going in, just like it had been earlier that night.
STRANGE BUT APPETIZING INTERLUD
Midway between the third and fourth floor on the security staircase, a hand tugged on my sleeve. "Would you like to come into the VIP room?" a honeyed female voice said. Nodding reflexively, I was yanked into a yard-high hole in the wall, which led to a chute that in turn led to a pillow-covered floor. Thankfully, it was a soft landing.
In the center of the room was a massive rotating sculpture of Arenas's head, a luminous ovoid on which his features were rendered using strips of bacon that had been cooked just to the point where the fat becomes translucent. Two men in monk's cowls replaced individual strips when they began to slip off or turn brown. Tyra Banks sat on a nearby ottoman, staring blankly at the structure. "How does Gilbert glow?" she said in a dazed tone. "How does Gilbert glow? How does Gilbert glow. How does Gilbert glow."
The walls shimmered, reflecting the light of the Gilsphere. It was tough to tell whether there was anyone else in the room.
Awvee Storey emerged from the shadows and sauntered over, wearing a smoking jacket and brown leather sandals. "Welcome to the VIP room," he said. "Bacon?" He pulled off a strip and proffered it.
"It's not done," I said.
"Nothing ever is," he replied. "Nothing ever is." He then scooped a handful of bacon off the sculpture and shoved it all in his mouth, chewing ferally. The monks assiduously replaced the strips, looking at the floor the whole time.
"Which VIP room is this?" I asked.
"All will become clear later," he said, and wandered into a dark corner.
I suddenly saw a tray of pills to my right. I looked up to see Connie Unseld holding the tray. "Take one," she said. It was the same honeyed voice I'd heard in the stairwell. The pills were labeled "Hibachi" and "Quality Shots".
"One pill makes you hot," she said, her fixed smile and even voice betraying no emotion whatsoever. "One pill makes you small."
It didn't seem like a good idea to disobey her, though I spent a moment thinking about whether I could. I couldn't spot the aperture through which I had entered the room. The tray didn't waver. Her smile didn't either. I took the "Quality Shots" pill and gulped it down.
"An excellent choice," Connie said. Then her lower body seemed to dissolve, and she floated up to the ceiling, and then away. The light from the Gilsphere became brighter until it flooded the room.
The next thing I remember is being poked in the ribs with a broom handle. "You! New noodle boy! Make the noodles!" I was on a kitchen floor. It turned out I was in Chinatown Express on 6th Street - apparently I had been promised to do a day of indentured servitude. Also, I was wearing a potato sack. This was disorienting, but I snuck out an hour later and took the 70 bus back to W HQ, from which I write this.
Overall, it was definitely the second-best party I've been to as a W intern, right next to Ledell Eackles' going-away party at Cluck-U. Those scars will never heal. Anyway: Happy 25, Agent Zero!
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